The truth hurts

So I cannot function when I’m depressed. I cannot put on a happy face, I know I may have trivialised depression in the past especially when I was manic, but more so because I was running away and hiding from it. How? I started abusing Ritalin and Lorazepam, uppers and downers. Spent the day taking Ritalin every hour and then taking a handful of Lorazepam to come down off the high, relax and get some sleep. I cannot recall how long this has been going on, but its a while and up until today it was just getting worse. I was seeing several doctors for scripts and going to different pharmacies to get the meds, this is on top of the medication my psychiatrist was prescribing me. And then it happened. I got scared. Really scared. What am I doing to my body? What am I doing to my mind? I was empty, no personality, nothing. All I thought about was when I can get my next fix, work slipped, family life slipped and my social life became non existent. I was a big black void. So today I had to make a decision, go to rehab and go cold turkey, but lose my job, or slowly wean myself off them with supervision. I told my family what was going on and we all decided that I should go the weaning route. We have mapped out exactly how I am going to achieve this in the gentlest way without too much withdrawal. I know it would have been easier for my family to tell me to go cold turkey because they don’t understand how hectic it is to do so, I tried it for two days a few weeks back and it was an epic fail, had to miss two days of work because I felt as if I was about to tip over the edge and completely lose my mind. So today I started weaning off them under the supervision of my family. They are locking my meds in the safe and only giving me the agreed upon amounts. I already feel a little jittery but I’m ok so far. It actually feels good that this secret is out and that I admitted I need help. I will also join an NA group for more support. It’s going to be a long road ahead but I got myself into this mess, I need to do what it takes to get out of it. After this is over I want to wean myself off the zyprexa and sleeping tablets. Then I will only be on Lomactil and Xeplion which I eventually want to replace with natural remedies. One step at a time I guess.


24 thoughts on “The truth hurts

  1. Good luck, I’m going through something similar myself at the moment except I’m trying to do it without telling anyone close to me because I know it will scare them, I didn’t even realise when the cycle began. It’s terrifying how fast things can become a habit. Keep writing as you continue to wean off them, I will be keeping you in my thoughts. X

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love your honesty. I had gone quite a while without anything, but recently had to go back onto something to keep me from falling over the precipice, it was something that took me a long time to finally do, but I was getting too close to the edge. I’ve also started seeing a psychologist again after 4 years of not needing to. It’s scary seeing the edge approaching fast and being scared of putting the brakes on at the same time. Admitting that the time is now is a sign of strength and control, you should be extremely proud of yourself. You can do it.

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  3. Sending love and light to you as you heal yourself. Perseverance and consistency is the key to achieving what you hope.. Self care because you need extra love at this time when the shadows come out .. There may be setbacks, but that’s ok.. It’s part of the process.. It’s part of healing to face the reason you got sick in the first place.. You’re not perfect and you don’t have to be! Don’t give up on yourself! I love you💞

    Liked by 1 person

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