So I cannot function when I’m depressed. I cannot put on a happy face, I know I may have trivialised depression in the past especially when I was manic, but more so because I was running away and hiding from it. How? I started abusing Ritalin and Lorazepam, uppers and downers. Spent the day taking Ritalin every hour and then taking a handful of Lorazepam to come down off the high, relax and get some sleep. I cannot recall how long this has been going on, but its a while and up until today it was just getting worse. I was seeing several doctors for scripts and going to different pharmacies to get the meds, this is on top of the medication my psychiatrist was prescribing me. And then it happened. I got scared. Really scared. What am I doing to my body? What am I doing to my mind? I was empty, no personality, nothing. All I thought about was when I can get my next fix, work slipped, family life slipped and my social life became non existent. I was a big black void. So today I had to make a decision, go to rehab and go cold turkey, but lose my job, or slowly wean myself off them with supervision. I told my family what was going on and we all decided that I should go the weaning route. We have mapped out exactly how I am going to achieve this in the gentlest way without too much withdrawal. I know it would have been easier for my family to tell me to go cold turkey because they don’t understand how hectic it is to do so, I tried it for two days a few weeks back and it was an epic fail, had to miss two days of work because I felt as if I was about to tip over the edge and completely lose my mind. So today I started weaning off them under the supervision of my family. They are locking my meds in the safe and only giving me the agreed upon amounts. I already feel a little jittery but I’m ok so far. It actually feels good that this secret is out and that I admitted I need help. I will also join an NA group for more support. It’s going to be a long road ahead but I got myself into this mess, I need to do what it takes to get out of it. After this is over I want to wean myself off the zyprexa and sleeping tablets. Then I will only be on Lomactil and Xeplion which I eventually want to replace with natural remedies. One step at a time I guess.